thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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