Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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