How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
