i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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