the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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