So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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