Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
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