You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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