I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
