wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
