I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
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