this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
