I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
