when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
