You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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