cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
