Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
