I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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