Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
honey bunches of taint.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
