Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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