i think i have two assholes
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
My pussy is not your playground.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
