see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
