Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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