Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
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