I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize