Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize