hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
