I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
