just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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