i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize