I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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