i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
