I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
