grandma shit on top of the toilet
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Found the puke drawer
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
