It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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