mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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