I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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