I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
