I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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