Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
