I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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