I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
