he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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