I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
