I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
