party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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