My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
