Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
he told me I talked like a deaf person
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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