My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
