Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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