my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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