Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
