Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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