it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
