just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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