after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
