i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
