So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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