Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
