I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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