Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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