dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
