Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
