This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
